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Breaking up is hard to do (but sometimes it’s the way back)
                

At times In our own lives, when things seem all right and should be all right, many of us have experienced a certain nagging sensation just below the edge of our awareness: a little voice that whispers something is not quite right.  If we recognize that whispering voice, we might choose to heed it.  If not, sometimes events will occur that cause the voice to speak louder.
              In 2004, Lorraine Acuña had a responsible job as a custodial supervisor at Camel Rock Casino, a steady partner of 11 years and her own mobile home.  She had stopped drinking   years before and was living a sober lifestyle.   But Lorraine knew deep inside that something felt wrong. Since she was a child, she had suffered from depression, ptsd and anxiety.  She sensed her partner protected her from dealing with the challenges of the outside world.  Lorraine says:  “The relationship gave me a sense of self worth, but I knew things were just being patched over.” Because she didn’t have to, Lorraine chose not to deal with her issues. Although she no longer drank alcohol, she had never done actual recovery work.
            Then one day, without warning, her partner left, and life as she knew it changed forever.  The whispering voice was shouting.
            Lorraine had had good credit at that time but she shared expenses with her partner.  On her own, she couldn’t keep up with her bills and eventually had to file for bankruptcy.  She lost her mobile home and had to crash wherever she could - on friends’ sofas, often in her car, even in a 5x7 shed.  Her boss saw she wasn’t functioning at work and said her job was in jeopardy.
            About a year later, again with no warning, her partner re-appeared, offering flowers and promises of a better life together.  Although they moved back in together, this time Lorraine had the experience of knowing she was able to live on her own, even within reduced circumstances.  The reunion lasted about eight months. Lorraine did not need a whispering voice to see the cracks in the relationship.  She had learned her lessons and decided to move out. To this day, Lorraine wonders where she got the strength to make that move. “I didn’t know I had it in me.  I don’t know how I did it,” she marvels.
            Sadly, Lorraine had another trial to face: she was diagnosed with a serious medical condition and had to undergo surgery.  Immersed in the depression that followed, Lorraine feared she would go back to drinking.  Instead she chose to continue on the long road to recovery.
            After surgery, finding a safe, stable housing situation was the first issue to address. Lorraine’s therapist referred her to The Life Link for housing services but Lorraine was hesitant “I didn’t want to go. I had a hard time asking for help.  It made me feel more unworthy, like I was not able to do anything for myself.”  Even after she moved into the La Luz apartments, Lorraine still felt resistant.  “I didn’t want to do classes and therapy because I didn’t want to go back through all my old trauma in order to get well.”
            But by working on a recovery plan with her Life Link case manager, Lorraine realized she did want to get better and would do whatever it took.  So, despite her initial reluctance, Lorraine embraced a rigorous Life Link class schedule: Anger Management, Awareness (to maintain sobriety), Core Group.  When she was feeling more stable, she also enrolled in Santa Fe Community College where she took a service learning class and became a volunteer at Sojourners, a Life Link affiliated day shelter for homeless families.
            Volunteering at Sojourners proved a pivotal experience in Lorraine’s life: “I finally found my heart’s place,” she affirms “.
            She continues: “I could actively relate to the clients at Sojourners because I also had been homeless.  I was never sociable before, but now I am.  This is a time for me to give back. I’ve been told I’m good for Sojourners, but I want to state for the record that Sojourners is good for me – it’s my anchor.”
            The Sojourners staff recognized Lorraine’s gift as a role model for their clients and encouraged her to take The Life Link’s peer support training.  Finishing the course and passing the test was another milestone:  “I always felt that I was not smart enough, not good enough, I would never amount to anything,” Now that she is a certified peer supporter, Lorraine has been hired by Sojourners where she spends most of her days.
            In addition to working at Sojourners, Lorraine still takes courses at the Community College where she expects to receive her Associate’s degree in about a year.  She’s also moved into her own apartment.  She acknowledges she still struggles with depression and with negative self-talk, but knows help is there for her if she needs it.  She says proudly: “I am a work in progress!”

 

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